Sunday, November 21, 2010

it's been so long, yet im drowned

im back, after so long. im sorry to have neglected this little chamber that contains almost all my thoughts for the past approximately 3 years.

now im almost finishing my exams, it was horrible to begin with. but giving up now would be a waste of everything so might as well press on and continue.

i did a terrible mistake in this time that i've been gone. something that because of my brain or what i thought would help ended up making things worse for myself. at first i thought i've gained someone whom i can talk to easily (well, these two years, i'm still not able to adapt to the people around me, i just cant fit in and i do miss the 'twins', a lot.), but after that incident, i've seen the change that may seem oblivious to them, or may not, yet very obvious to me.

i always thought i've handled things carefully, until i met one who handles things more thoroughly than i do. and someone that honestly, i cant give my 100% at all. these two years were tremendous hurdles for me when it comes to people. i dont know how to explain but just that it's tricky, it's tedious, unlike others who can handle it so well despite the many different people they meet. sometimes i wish for a much clearer path and a better opinion. sometimes i wish i dont have to fake a smile or laugh but inside im feeling awful. i tried to be myself, but i realised i hadnt been being myself in order to avoid scorns.

so yea, things changed, and the one whom i thought could be ended up not and instead with another. it's not like i wanted things to be this way, really. but my folly has turned things around and now im plunged into a world where i really dont know who i can turn to.

in fact, i wanted to turn to you but based on your opinions everytime, what can i say? i dont get good arguments and thus, i prefer to leave you as it is, and to just tell you what im happy about.

or maybe it's just that i've failed to be a trustworthy person afterall.


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