Wednesday, March 26, 2008


it supposed to be a happy ending for today. yet...

today was such a long day. 4 periods of chem. 2 periods of english. 2 periods of e maths and 2 periods of assembly - NE talk.

the speaker who spoke to us today, wasnt as boring as the others. and his talk was quite interesting, at least i didnt fall asleep.

english test, 1 hour and 45 minutes, writing non-stop just to complete an essay and a letter writing. how "sweet", hands sore and brain juice being squeezed dry after a whole day of lessons, yet. who understands our plight?

chem remedial was up next. and the time was almost 5 pm when i entered the library where it was held. brilliant huh?

how many freaking hours do students study? how many hours we sit thinking of how to solve this problem, how to answer this question, how to explain the answer, which formula to use, where can i find the answer from, etc. seriously, we study like, so many hours of our life time. it's just a simple routine. we wake up(generally) 6am, wash up, go to school, start studying till around 4.30pm - 5pm, sometimes later than that. then? go home, have our dinners, bathe, start completing our homework. after homework, we sleep. and it starts all over again the next day.

we do things to forget the boredom that life brings like playing computer games, going out with friends, watching tv programmes. but parents complain, why? cause we arent doing our work. are we no-life(rs)? do we just plainly study study study, get those notes and we dont even know how it applies to life and just vomit whatever we had learnt during the exams? we arent. why cant we get some free time? parents complain, oh, im working so hard just to earn money to support my family. i need a break, a moment or two sitting down drinking coffee will be good. or watching some programme on television will do me good. or going out and have a nice chat with my old mates. or shopping at OG or Robinsons. or playing golf at NSRCC or RCC or The Laguna. you feel tired, so do we students feel tired, dont we deserve a break too?

just a few moments of playing some game i found in my mom's handphone, my father started saying, "girl ah, u everytime play play play, go bathe, do your work." best, i've just loaded the game.

sitting down in front of the television and switching the channels to see if there's any programmes nice to watch, someone would go, "eh, dont watch. i want to watch xxxx show. go do your work." it happens all the time. upstairs, i checked to see if the television's available, nah. no choice, do work. fine, but it had happened too many times, and it still is.

in front of the computer where i usually work because my room isnt available, it's always so coincidental. the moment i turn to face the computer screen, someone will come in and say, "play! play! always playing games! no wonder, your results are so bad, u can never be like your brother"

yea, whatever. im sick of it. im totally sick of disencouragement. it's not the reverse psychology thing. it's not. i've been hearing toooo much of it. oh, your brother's got a name and position in school, he's one of the top students. top 50 in your school, u, score so badly for your exams, bring down the reputation and fame of your brother. wah, your brother was an assistant chairman, why are u only a treasurer? this shows that u are lousy. your brother always top his class for maths and a maths, you?

seriously, im totally sick of this already. to think just now, on the way home, i wasnt really paying attention to the road and didnt notice a Mercedes-Benz approaching me. luckily he was driving rather slowly, i was able to avoid being knocked down. upon reaching home, my happiness disappeared and sorrows were the only ones left. everything went topsy-turvy. lying on my bed, i thought to myself, why didnt i get knocked down just now? the driver should have driven faster, faster than he could think he could drive, knock me out cold and i'd be gone from this world. i feel as if im an insignificant being in this house, a house that i've lived in for 15 going 16 years and had never actually knew the meaning of joy.

then i thought, one day, if a reckless driver was to really knock me down and my life's in danger and had to be put on life support, i'd rather myself not be put on life support and let me die, away from this world. cause it's so meaningless, there's nothing much i can do to change it. outside yes, i can. within, no matter how much i tried, it's pointless, useless, and whatever i do is worthless.

i see no point in living on further.

i wish to die in peace though,


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