i just realised that the past posts (quite a number of them :s) were negativity. he reminded me of my character this morning: optimistic.


i was totally ashamed by my actions, totally disturbed about the change. i am, very surprised, that something as simple as this can change a person inside out. no one will ever think that even the slightest thing can change a person's character or personality, am i right? or you may think yes, but it will not happen to you as you think that you can control yourself and maintain that personality of yours. easy to say it, difficult to execute. as the saying goes, "easy to climb, difficult to maintain" - this applies to almost everything.


his words struck me hard. it was a wake up call, literally. the whole text just brought me up from where i had fallen. although he wasnt able to be here, he made the effort to maintain his presence around me despite his fatigue. he constantly reminded me that he couldnt be by my side, but he can be with me "spiritually". something in me lit. i had no idea what to call that, or what you would call that, but it was something that would enable you to continue and strive.


that's the thing i love about him. he always helps me, somehow. i cant expect more from him when he gives me more than expected. he enabled me to realise that i dont have to get a handsome guy, with a wealthy family and a good education status to be loved for. in fact, think, you may get the most handsome guy on earth, with a family of status and top-notch education and career but not the love. with him around, i do feel love from him, sometimes too overwhelming but endearing. haha.

i am also shocked to hear that someone else still reads my blog now and then. i do know of one person who reads, others whom i name anonymous will definitely be unknown to me but you, have seriously 'stunned' me for a moment. never have i thought that this lonesome place will have visitors, next to its owner. im honoured to have you read my posts.

awkward ending cause im pressing for time.

i've got a rehearsal till 10pm and i am honestly drained. 1.5hrs of ________ seriously gives one nothing but a headache and dreamy eyes = sucks.

cheerios (:

this shall mark my first happy post, although it doesnt seem too happy nor even happy. but at least not ):

i dont think i will want any kids now. why bring them into a life where you only face stress and stupid obstacles?

learning to make a decision is a painful and difficult process. because when you make a decision, you have to accept it wholeheartedly. not accepting it will result in you suffering.

whatever it is, life is a painful process.

i tried but it failed. it's okay, i told myself. it's okay. find another way, or accept it. then i was told about something else. it brought me hope. i'm not going to let it slip this time. i'm going to make full use of it.

im thankful for the ones around me, honestly. including my family. i know they've been trying to sound me out, make me speak to them. i was afraid, scared. but i managed to muster courage and speak to one of them - brother.

now it's just trust. trust me and i will do it.

first i need to get distractions away. the very first will be online shopping. it's an addiction, seriously.

i have made my decision. it wasnt abrupt. it has been on my mind for quite some time.
please God, give me a second chance to make things better.

i sincerely hope for the chance to be given to me. i shant be stupid anymore. i must be decisive, i must be strong. i know what im expected to do and i will do. as long as im given the chance. so please. i will face the embarrassment but it will all be worthwhile. see it as giving myself a second chance, another route, an opening. ignore what others say, do what you think is best for yourself.

i pray, and pray. interlocked fingers, tight, wish.

good luck.

i just realised what i yearn for the most.

i just want a family who doesnt have a disgusting attitude.

i've come to a point where tolerance level has reached almost maximum. yet i thought to myself is it because i'm rather petty and unwilling to accept reality?

it all boils down to : what do i want?

please others, please myself. i wish i can disapparate from earth.

should i take a step back or move forward? sometimes, it's good that there're choices. but sometimes, choices suck.

i made a promise to myself. a promise to the future.

i will not "neglect" my kids when they are young. not to say that my parents neglected me but i dont think i had an enjoyable childhood. there are so many things that i didnt get the chance to do when i was young. yes, my parents did bring me to many places - usa, taiwan, thailand. however, i never got to go to the neither the zoo, nor birdpark, nor night safari at all with them. i've never got to play at a playground happily for hours unlike other children with their parents sitting at the benches looking at them play. i vaguely remember the only time i got to go to the park was with my bro cause we sneaked there with our bikes.

i've also made it a point to try to control my temper and change my attitude cause i dont want my kids to treat me the way i treat my parents. i try to treat them as friends but i fail to do so because they hold such authority, such status to state that they are my parents and i have to listen and obey whatever they say. yes, that was when i was young. now i have a mind of my own and i dont like the way they do things. perspectives.

i would also love to see my kids craft their future and make decisions with me. and i really want to create a friendship-cum-parent relationship with my kids as i feel it is a good way to stay connected to their lives. there's one thing that i would want to do, something that my parents didnt carry out when i was young: talk to my kids frequently, starting from when they are young, make them voice out to me and i'll help them in a way that it doesnt not intimidate them.

you may ask: why dont i like to talk to my parents about my things? simple. they never know when to use the right tone and tones express the feelings of a person. different tones express different feelings. you gotta get the tone right to convey the right message. i seriously dislike tones that express that you're against the idea and you are angry cause there isnt a reason why you should be. you prefer this but i prefer the other. who's the one going to experience it?

i feel that life is a cycle that may be well, if you meet the right factors. these factors may be anything, from parents to friends to objects around. it can also mean chances, opportunities given to you and whether you make full use of it, grab it, utilise it, work towards it.

in life, there are many things to do, achieve, complete and compete. there's this thing called 'education'. without it, people wouldnt be where they stand now. without it, we'll be living in forests and act like barbarians despite the depth of knowledge we have in our brains. however, with education, i wonder if many can see that there's a portion of children suffering because of education (and of course, the portion of children dying to learn). ever wonder why so many children are visiting the psychiatrist? ever wonder how much stress a child can get from studying? ever wonder whether the child likes studying or he is studying for the sake of studying? i believe these questions are worthy to think about.

and the question i ask myself: why, in this society, is education treasured so much despite the detrimental effects set upon the ones who are learning?

(this is a total change of mood) i feel that i have written enough. gtg runnnn.
ciao~

Question: should i have gone back? will my chances be better?

May 7. A challenging day. I thought of taking this for quite some time but due to someone who told me that it was difficult to score, i didnt dare to take. now, i felt i should have registered earlier and prepared earlier.

there was supposed to have a whole lot of words here but due to technical faults, everything was deleted except for the first paragraph. thus, too bad for my readers lol.

a confession: i dont like to tell things to my parents because i dont like their thinking. i do agree with my mom that i think differently. no doubt about that. but ya. i just think differently.

i remembered i told someone before, i want to make a change. to make a change, i have to be brave and face things with different perspectives. for all you know, my difference in thinking may result in my doing huge things. i dont know what they are, but im sure of my capabilities.

that's all.

bye.