a prick in my skin

i guess it's my fault that i couldn't have the same holidays as the local uni undergrads. i don't know if i should follow my original plans.

study study study, don't regret again.

A man with imagination, creativity, innovation. A visionary that changed the world. A phenomenal. Launching gadget after gadget, technology after technology.

His speech at a commemoration at Standard University was truly an inspiration:

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

- Steve Jobs

These are excerpts taken from Steve Jobs' commencement address to the Stanford University's graduands. It breathes life into one who has fallen, one who faces failure. He didn't succeed immediately like everyone else. No one does. And through determination, vision, hard work (sweat and blood), he created products that were sensational. Who, can't resist owning an item that was produced by Apple, and especially when it was released and developed under the watch of Steve Jobs?

I'm probably like every other fan of Apple's (and also Steve Jobs), I cannot resist myself playing with my Apple gadgets (and getting them). First it was my iPod classic (I felt the itch to get myself an iTouch but I couldn't afford one at that moment:( ) and now, my oh-so-marvellous 13" MacBook Pro. It must be the most awesome laptop that I've gotten for myself and I can't help but touch it once everyday :)

His brilliance, his innovation has helped change the world. You can too, in your own little way. You can, change YOUR world into a place better for yourself.

And I'm going to do(try) that for myself too :)

Like what Steve Jobs said,

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. Stay hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thanks a lot Mr Jobs :)

R.I.P

for the past few months, it's tough for me. then i look at others, they've been working hard.

remorseful and regret. but i have to go down this route.

asldkja;oiega;dlknzm flaujhf aeiguhskgjsnfl aj lajsmnzkjfh alifjamfnfj lfjahnf lkasjfns digujan f.kznvl jflskenf zlkxjvh lkjgnk.ih zljsdnf

if you can decipher this, great for you.

it's my birthday today!

it's a rather wet day :( heavy rain early in the morning till afternoon. i think it has stopped already? yay :) i'm thankful to all the friends i have who wished me happy birthday! it's great to have them around :)

smile smile smile smiles.

today marks my birthday. it also marks my last day of work!

first emotion: yay! (end of work, money comes in, tomorrow sleep in! :D)
second emotion: a little longing feeling :/

my colleagues are quite nice people especially my seating neighbour - helen. she always offers me food. haha it makes me fat! and she tells me stories and all. apparently she doesnt remember me sitting beside her during CNY at uncle Alan's place! i believe she'll see me next year :)

and mas. although i dont really like releasing BOs throughout the day, she's still nice. she asked me how i was coping with the work and what i had for lunch etcetc. like those super random but heartwarming questions.

ANYWAY THIS SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED ON MY BIRTHDAY BUT INTERNET SCREWED IT UP SO IT'S A LATE POST. BYE :D

another lesson learnt: if you need help, seek help. stop being so stubborn thinking you can do it by yourself as a way to prove to others that you are smart and not stupid.

do you think this blog needs PICTURES???????

i believe the answer is yes. i'll try to get pictures of my life or prolly from tumblr/lookbook/deviantart?? i know it's too simple white. colours are very much welcomed.

oh brother...

i am very lazy to touch up on the layout of my blog. :/

there's this saying: the future is yours to make.
so true right? future is yours to make, but the process is tedious. if you are willing to sacrifice 3/4 of your lifetime crafting it, then the future you aspire will come true. and that's what everyone's doing because there's no other way to do it.

in life you're bound to meet obstacles. they will create problems in everyway they can, emotionally, mentally and even physically. it's how you deal with these obstacles that let you around them. i chose to step back, and even further. so now i'm asking for a second chance. a second chance to compensate my move, to correct my mistakes.

i got it.

but im asking for a better one. whether or not i'm given ( i do hope i get it) this second chance, i believe i know which way to take it and whether or not will i let obstacles push me down and make me never stand up again.

the choice is yours, is mine. ours. let's do what is best for ourselves.

the amount of effort i see her put in makes me guilty as i didnt put in as much as she did when i had my june holidays last year. what's wrong with me?

why do people procrastinate, only to regret when things dont turn out the way they want it to be?

hence, please, (to brain)
study for FTT and pass. seriously must pass. you must start making proper preparations whether or no the issue is minor or major.

and i gotta pack my room. it's dusty though i did wipe. it's messy. i cant stand it but somehow i can live with it. strange much? lol.

the day i go changi with you, will be the day we sit by the shore and watch the sunset :)

awesome.

being in the real world is seriously hard reality.

#1 suck it up. not suck up but suck it up. like it or not, you cant complain. complain and receive the sack. everyone else is doing the same. just that some pushes more work to you. so the kind ones get bullied. thus, :(

#2 almost everything is based on meritocracy. which sucks. people with interests in certain job scope cannot excel as they are not able to attain the grades expected.

#3 you just gotta work hard. work until your soul collapses but you still have to continue. it's just life.

#4 flexibilty. being rigid will end you nowhere good. adapt and adjust to make the environment a better place for you, and maybe, for others.

#5 you work for yourself and not for others.

#6 there is vast difference in the way one thinks between males and females.

#7 things progress too fast that humans are trying to catch up with the pace.

#8 the world is collapsing (because of us).

#9 we sit in front of computer screens and type away like zombies.

#10 when will we (really) enjoy life?

i managed to sell 1 piece of my brand new clothing! happy me~

i hope i can sell the others so my bank wouldnt be sooo dry ): i've spent too much on clothes! trying to sell them and earn some hard cash back!

im in the midst of writing my appeal. i hope it does impress the board of appeals although i know my chances are very very slim.

hope. believe. faith.

i want to go overseas with him and see the awesomely beautiful scenery of nature. we must go to spain and UK so he can see his spain and arsenal teams woohoo... this is so random. this is called, bored at work.

if only the world didnt have this thing called, 'comparison'.

some have to work hard to earn it, but eventually didnt after working hard cause they had to sacrifice their own. some didnt have to work hard to get it. some worked hard to get it, and got it eventually not because they worked hard but cause others just wanna give.

which category do you fall into?

i just realised that the past posts (quite a number of them :s) were negativity. he reminded me of my character this morning: optimistic.


i was totally ashamed by my actions, totally disturbed about the change. i am, very surprised, that something as simple as this can change a person inside out. no one will ever think that even the slightest thing can change a person's character or personality, am i right? or you may think yes, but it will not happen to you as you think that you can control yourself and maintain that personality of yours. easy to say it, difficult to execute. as the saying goes, "easy to climb, difficult to maintain" - this applies to almost everything.


his words struck me hard. it was a wake up call, literally. the whole text just brought me up from where i had fallen. although he wasnt able to be here, he made the effort to maintain his presence around me despite his fatigue. he constantly reminded me that he couldnt be by my side, but he can be with me "spiritually". something in me lit. i had no idea what to call that, or what you would call that, but it was something that would enable you to continue and strive.


that's the thing i love about him. he always helps me, somehow. i cant expect more from him when he gives me more than expected. he enabled me to realise that i dont have to get a handsome guy, with a wealthy family and a good education status to be loved for. in fact, think, you may get the most handsome guy on earth, with a family of status and top-notch education and career but not the love. with him around, i do feel love from him, sometimes too overwhelming but endearing. haha.

i am also shocked to hear that someone else still reads my blog now and then. i do know of one person who reads, others whom i name anonymous will definitely be unknown to me but you, have seriously 'stunned' me for a moment. never have i thought that this lonesome place will have visitors, next to its owner. im honoured to have you read my posts.

awkward ending cause im pressing for time.

i've got a rehearsal till 10pm and i am honestly drained. 1.5hrs of ________ seriously gives one nothing but a headache and dreamy eyes = sucks.

cheerios (:

this shall mark my first happy post, although it doesnt seem too happy nor even happy. but at least not ):

i dont think i will want any kids now. why bring them into a life where you only face stress and stupid obstacles?

learning to make a decision is a painful and difficult process. because when you make a decision, you have to accept it wholeheartedly. not accepting it will result in you suffering.

whatever it is, life is a painful process.

i tried but it failed. it's okay, i told myself. it's okay. find another way, or accept it. then i was told about something else. it brought me hope. i'm not going to let it slip this time. i'm going to make full use of it.

im thankful for the ones around me, honestly. including my family. i know they've been trying to sound me out, make me speak to them. i was afraid, scared. but i managed to muster courage and speak to one of them - brother.

now it's just trust. trust me and i will do it.

first i need to get distractions away. the very first will be online shopping. it's an addiction, seriously.

i have made my decision. it wasnt abrupt. it has been on my mind for quite some time.
please God, give me a second chance to make things better.

i sincerely hope for the chance to be given to me. i shant be stupid anymore. i must be decisive, i must be strong. i know what im expected to do and i will do. as long as im given the chance. so please. i will face the embarrassment but it will all be worthwhile. see it as giving myself a second chance, another route, an opening. ignore what others say, do what you think is best for yourself.

i pray, and pray. interlocked fingers, tight, wish.

good luck.

i just realised what i yearn for the most.

i just want a family who doesnt have a disgusting attitude.

i've come to a point where tolerance level has reached almost maximum. yet i thought to myself is it because i'm rather petty and unwilling to accept reality?

it all boils down to : what do i want?

please others, please myself. i wish i can disapparate from earth.

should i take a step back or move forward? sometimes, it's good that there're choices. but sometimes, choices suck.

i made a promise to myself. a promise to the future.

i will not "neglect" my kids when they are young. not to say that my parents neglected me but i dont think i had an enjoyable childhood. there are so many things that i didnt get the chance to do when i was young. yes, my parents did bring me to many places - usa, taiwan, thailand. however, i never got to go to the neither the zoo, nor birdpark, nor night safari at all with them. i've never got to play at a playground happily for hours unlike other children with their parents sitting at the benches looking at them play. i vaguely remember the only time i got to go to the park was with my bro cause we sneaked there with our bikes.

i've also made it a point to try to control my temper and change my attitude cause i dont want my kids to treat me the way i treat my parents. i try to treat them as friends but i fail to do so because they hold such authority, such status to state that they are my parents and i have to listen and obey whatever they say. yes, that was when i was young. now i have a mind of my own and i dont like the way they do things. perspectives.

i would also love to see my kids craft their future and make decisions with me. and i really want to create a friendship-cum-parent relationship with my kids as i feel it is a good way to stay connected to their lives. there's one thing that i would want to do, something that my parents didnt carry out when i was young: talk to my kids frequently, starting from when they are young, make them voice out to me and i'll help them in a way that it doesnt not intimidate them.

you may ask: why dont i like to talk to my parents about my things? simple. they never know when to use the right tone and tones express the feelings of a person. different tones express different feelings. you gotta get the tone right to convey the right message. i seriously dislike tones that express that you're against the idea and you are angry cause there isnt a reason why you should be. you prefer this but i prefer the other. who's the one going to experience it?

i feel that life is a cycle that may be well, if you meet the right factors. these factors may be anything, from parents to friends to objects around. it can also mean chances, opportunities given to you and whether you make full use of it, grab it, utilise it, work towards it.

in life, there are many things to do, achieve, complete and compete. there's this thing called 'education'. without it, people wouldnt be where they stand now. without it, we'll be living in forests and act like barbarians despite the depth of knowledge we have in our brains. however, with education, i wonder if many can see that there's a portion of children suffering because of education (and of course, the portion of children dying to learn). ever wonder why so many children are visiting the psychiatrist? ever wonder how much stress a child can get from studying? ever wonder whether the child likes studying or he is studying for the sake of studying? i believe these questions are worthy to think about.

and the question i ask myself: why, in this society, is education treasured so much despite the detrimental effects set upon the ones who are learning?

(this is a total change of mood) i feel that i have written enough. gtg runnnn.
ciao~

Question: should i have gone back? will my chances be better?

May 7. A challenging day. I thought of taking this for quite some time but due to someone who told me that it was difficult to score, i didnt dare to take. now, i felt i should have registered earlier and prepared earlier.

there was supposed to have a whole lot of words here but due to technical faults, everything was deleted except for the first paragraph. thus, too bad for my readers lol.

a confession: i dont like to tell things to my parents because i dont like their thinking. i do agree with my mom that i think differently. no doubt about that. but ya. i just think differently.

i remembered i told someone before, i want to make a change. to make a change, i have to be brave and face things with different perspectives. for all you know, my difference in thinking may result in my doing huge things. i dont know what they are, but im sure of my capabilities.

that's all.

bye.

mixed feelings

to whom who reads this, i guess you are lucky/unlucky that you get to read this as i havent been blogging frequently. it just shows that you still frequent my blog though it's 7/8 dead.

i dont know whether to feel sad or happy. he has received the notification for the interview at smu. but i didnt receive any. i waited, eagerly, in hope that they will consider my achievements in cca and leadership.

i am still waiting.

i still constantly tell myself that i have to study well for my SATs. i didnt study well for A's. netiher do i understand it comprehensively. but now, im just trying luck. i know that when it comes to admissions to major institutions, you cannot rely on luck but more of your capabilities and abilities. i believe i didnt give myself a chance to shine as i was procastinating when i told others not to. contradict much right?

hence, dear fiona, when will you wake up from your deep trance? come on. just score well for SATs, maybe they'll give you a chance. and also, do your letter. you have to. if you dont, no one will help you. it's that simple yet difficult to digest. so right now, just get it into your head.

i believe that you can become who you used to when you were young. motivated. willing to strive and do the utmost best that you can. of course, with much preparation. remember how you soar and score with flying colours during streaming? im sure you can for this upcoming test. and BTT too. just put in 110%. aim for your goal. getting into EM1 was tough at that age of yours. it's the same for this. so do what you know what to do. believe in yourself and your capabilities. best to believe is, you are not stupid, you are an intelligent girl who can do what others can do, and you can even do more.

believe in yourself.

title-less

as everyone said, A's is the worst exam in every JC student life. i've totally understood it and im suffering its consequences.

1. go to respective schools to see if they are willing to take me in

2. take my diploma in piano (teaching) and learn how to teach piano

3. repeat A's (again)

yup. so i have to decide. i wonder where i can make it? please someone, accept me.

failure again

i thought that the test would be straightforward. but apparently not. i failed, once again. i had to retake the test. and i hope it's not a sign for my A's.

my A's are coming out this week. hope things would be all right.

When will I ever sit down and really study like she does? Getting dean award is an honourable thing and only minority gets it. Even not getting it but getting good results makes one feel heartwarming as it takes a lot to score well. Results are almost out and there's no point worrying although it is constantly there. Someone please tell me I qualify at least. Though I'm discouraged to do what I wanna do most, at least give me a chance to do what I wanna do next.

I have many many things I want to do but I just gotta set things right first. But really I hope that I an at least score. Just let me in. And I will really prove my potential. These months have set me thinking and to really get what I want I have to earn it. That's what I learnt from RY. Be yourself and work hard to get what you want to achieve.

So someone please tell me first that I did well.

take a step back

the reason why i stepped back and refrain is because i'm afraid that people cannot accept my true self and i cannot accept it myself.

look at them, then look at me. a failure at friendships. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

it's over

A's are finally over. the holidays are here, for me. but i dont feel like im having a holiday. it's because i know i didnt do very well or even well for A's. i know what's upcoming for me. yet, i really hope that i dont have to face it again. Preparation for A's is really tiring.

im having a headache. bad headache.

this november

everyone has to admit that she's gorgeous isnt she? defined features on her faces of which she was once a cute petite, and now full-grown. i just cant get enough of her.

it's not the end yet im looking forward to it, and so are others. what else do we expect after a whole year of endless studying??

credits: fashionfever

sometimes

sometimes i wish that i have long waves, defined arms, flat tums, toned legs and a sexy bottom.

sometimes.

credits: fashionfever

credits: fashionfever

an occurrance

i happened to chance upon that. and what i've read left me thinking. and guess im one of those.

when the world comes crashing down on you, and that you thought that people around you would pick you up. yet whatever they do leaves you down.

so... words speak louder than actions or actions speak louder than words now?

and i thought that treating someone genuinely will earn someone's respect to treat you the same and no difference.

i was wrong.